MISCARRIAGE

I don't understand why it needs be so difficult to get knocked up? Last May we started the process of getting pregnant. There was a delay right off the bat with cysts, so Linda needed to go on birth control yadda yadda yadda. We had been down that road before. We were disappointed because with Grace it was so automatic. Wham Bam Thank Ya Mam. Prego Presto! This time took some work. The start of summer saw the start of shots. Shots led to tests. Tests led to disappointment. Three times? Twice? I was an emotional wreck and can't remember. Everything changed, though, when we got a positive read on a home prego test. The rule was, we wouldn't tell anyone. That didn't last. I was so excited I told all of Fresno pretty much. There were dr. appointments to make, plans to make (we would need to tear down the guest room for another baby room, right?), money to save. We went to our first "numbers count" meeting and the numbers (whatever they are) rose as they should. Excitement continues to build. We go again and the
numbers
dropped.

Disappointment. Disbelief. Heartbreak.

I immediately put up walls - a brick at a time. I didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. All I knew was that I couldn't let myself be crushed like I was with TJ. I seemed as if I had forgotten how to communicate my feelings, which didn't help things around our house. My gut instinct told me to count our losses AND our blessings and take Gracie and run with her. Linda took this as a sign that I maybe hadn't wanted a baby in the first place. We were in a communication sink hole.
We called Angel Babies. They were there to help us again. They were there to help sort through the emotions and miscommunication and helped to get things out in the open. I did want a baby, I was numbed by the loss, but I was having trouble finding my words. There is more to it then this. I will need to see how to spell it out.

The docs said we had to wait a while until we started up again trying for a baby. We miscarried right around Christmas, and the docs wanted a full cycles between tries to give Linda's body time to heal. We went to the doctor's last month. Again there were cysts, so Linda was put on birth control for a month. Now it is a go. We did the shots and inseminated yesterday......