NOT PREGNANT

Tested yesterday and came up with nothing. We are bummed. There is a certain amount of entitlement that comes with nightly shots in the rump with a needle the size of an 8p nail. When one doesn't get what is wanted, and said rump is swollen, bruised, and hurting, one is allowed to be bummed. As Grace grows (she will be two on the 12th), the desire to have another child around grows as well. Sibling play together, siblings support each other when parents aren't around anymore. We want another one.

Just a few days before we were to test, my wife said they if it didn't work then she was going to stop trying. I told her not to jump to conclusions, and not to make any big decisions until we found out for sure what was going on. Last night, she turned to me after we climbed into bed and said, "I keep thinking that it will work the next time. I want to try one more time."

I said, "Good."

BLIGHTED OVUM

Apparently, BLIGHTED OVUM is old school terminology. Regardless of what they call it now (Anembryonic Pregnancy or Early Pregnancy Failure ), it all means the same thing - Miscarriage. We went to the docs and they explained it the best they could: basically the egg was fertilized, the sac began to develop, but the pregnancy ceased before the embryo kicked in. Because we have to monitor everything, and take shots, and count the minutes to every step we knew we were pregnant before most folks would. Pretty much we can pinpoint the exact moment of prego-hood. The docs told us that some gals may not even be aware they are pregnant when they have a blighted ovum.

Linda took it rough. For me, when the doc told us that an embryo had not developed, I pretty much just wrote it off as another failed attempt. Bad me. I sort of just shrugged my shoulders at the whole thing and said, "Well, that's that." Not good. Linda was more emotionally entrenched and my response was devastating to her. She took my easy-come-easy-go manner as indifference. Which, looking back, we see that it wasn't, but it sure looked that way. I think the way I responded was a calculated, innate defense against suffering through another emotional rollercoaster like I had when we lost TJ. It isn't that I looked at the miscarriage as a "lesser" loss, but as something that I couldn't deal with in the first place. Linda and I were equally emotional about the situation, but my way of handling it was to put up a layer of bricks and somehow convince myself that she hadn't been pregnant at all.

So, here we are again. Shots, and scans, and time charts, and the whole bit. We know the formula. We know what needs to be done. Looking back over all my experiences in trying to get a family up and running, I have learned this: If an f-ing BLIGHTED OVUM ever comes my way again, I ain't gonna shrug it off. I am going to hold my wife close, and reassure her that I am there for her.

MISCARRIAGE

I don't understand why it needs be so difficult to get knocked up? Last May we started the process of getting pregnant. There was a delay right off the bat with cysts, so Linda needed to go on birth control yadda yadda yadda. We had been down that road before. We were disappointed because with Grace it was so automatic. Wham Bam Thank Ya Mam. Prego Presto! This time took some work. The start of summer saw the start of shots. Shots led to tests. Tests led to disappointment. Three times? Twice? I was an emotional wreck and can't remember. Everything changed, though, when we got a positive read on a home prego test. The rule was, we wouldn't tell anyone. That didn't last. I was so excited I told all of Fresno pretty much. There were dr. appointments to make, plans to make (we would need to tear down the guest room for another baby room, right?), money to save. We went to our first "numbers count" meeting and the numbers (whatever they are) rose as they should. Excitement continues to build. We go again and the
numbers
dropped.

Disappointment. Disbelief. Heartbreak.

I immediately put up walls - a brick at a time. I didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. All I knew was that I couldn't let myself be crushed like I was with TJ. I seemed as if I had forgotten how to communicate my feelings, which didn't help things around our house. My gut instinct told me to count our losses AND our blessings and take Gracie and run with her. Linda took this as a sign that I maybe hadn't wanted a baby in the first place. We were in a communication sink hole.
We called Angel Babies. They were there to help us again. They were there to help sort through the emotions and miscommunication and helped to get things out in the open. I did want a baby, I was numbed by the loss, but I was having trouble finding my words. There is more to it then this. I will need to see how to spell it out.

The docs said we had to wait a while until we started up again trying for a baby. We miscarried right around Christmas, and the docs wanted a full cycles between tries to give Linda's body time to heal. We went to the doctor's last month. Again there were cysts, so Linda was put on birth control for a month. Now it is a go. We did the shots and inseminated yesterday......